Life Is Not a Climb, It's a Stumble

So, it's been a while. About 8 months, a while. That's what happens with projects like this. They start out super interesting, exciting, then life gets busier, things get forgotten. I can't exactly say I have forgotten about this blog, more I quit posting to it. A lot of stuff happened this last school year, stuff that is a little different, and I didn't write about it. I have always had a ridiculously stable home life, sans the first 6 months. Things were bound to get weird eventually. That's life right? But it's your family so you rough it out, try not not to be pissed all the time, and keep your mouth shut.

But I digress. Onto the summary of my semester, although with fewer people than previous recaps. The reoccurring theme of the last three years has been the same. What do I want to do with my life, be it career, be it God, and these are my friends, we think we're pretty cool.

I'll touch on the latter first, friends. We left dorms this school year. I don't see a lot of them anymore. Simple as that. I decided if I wanted to hang out, if they wanted to hang out, it would happen. I didn't happen with a lot of people, and I am okay with that. I still spend time with the people I care about. I see people at parties. It's sort of the same approach I took to high school. I have a lot of acquaintances, but friends are different. Friendship is work, I'll give it that, but if we both don't care, it's not a crime to let it go.

I feel guilty sometimes though, because I know a lot of people find us to be mean to outsiders. I've noticed it, people point it out, we can be jerks, but then who isn't a jerk sometimes. No one, okay, lay off.

Then there is religion. I do this thing every so often where I decide to go to church. I have all these questions and I try to search for answers, about life, and God and everything else. I don’t know why I think church is going to magically make me understand all these things, and they say the definition of insanity is repeatedly doing something and expecting a different outcome, but I keep going back. When I was in high school, I always thought religious people seemed happier, but now that I am in college I realize that’s not really true. We’re all messed up. This time I tried the more contemporary approach. I like the routine and tradition of catholic mass, but I'll give the whole rock band church credit, they do know how to connect with everyday life. I do a lot more thinking because it connects with a lot of what I am already thinking about. One time, I was having a conversation with someone, and the answers to my questions were answered at that week's service. I like the tradition of mass, but the connection of the contemporary church. But in the end, it's all just motions. To me it's all one big 5 year long experiment. I like church, but more as an entertainment source than a way of life, if that is even allowed.

Then there is career. I saw a career counselor. He told me to join the military because I scored very high on the Strong Test for military. I didn't go back. Next, I wrote a super long post on a find a path message board about my multiple major changes, wanting to drop out, and not having any passion. Anyway, I got a fairly thoughtful reply. The replier likened me to what is called a "polymath." A polymath is sort of saying jack of all trades, without the master of none.  I am the master of none. It did get me thinking though. He told me to think back to my childhood. I was a pretty normal kid. I wanted to be just about everything at some point, a doctor, an architect, a teacher, a librarian, a graphic designer, a pharmacist, an urban planner, a political campaign manager, and that's just the ones that I remember. I really liked TV, mostly medical shows and crime shows. I loved playing outside, reading books, and music. I went through a baseball phase, a map phase, a writing and a history phase. I am a polymath in the sense I like everything. Ben Franklin was a polymath. I am not Ben Franklin. I am just a kid who overthinks everything and gets bored too easily.

I started applying for internships. In May, got an internship working at a hospital answering tech calls. It has made me realize, my degree means nothing. I spent the last 3 years worrying and worrying about my major. Looking at my previous posts I harped and harped on it. Here is the thing, that thing they say, how your degree doesn't dictate your job, is absolutely and completely true. Don't get me wrong, if you want to be a teacher you need a teaching degree, and if you want to be a nurse, you need a nursing degree, but I see all the different degrees people have here and really, it doesn't matter.

So that's my last 7 months in a nutshell. I'm starting to feel the pressure of being an adult. Finishing a degree, getting another job, paying rent. I am making a ton of changes this year, with more to come on that, but I am making them because they are what I want. I like to think everything happens because it is supposed to, and it if wasn't supposed to, it doesn't matter because it has already happened. I've never been good at planning. I have sort of stumbled around to get where I am, for better or for worse.